Dear Diary:
Sunday.
6AM.
Lovely early morning.
Rain.
Sun.
Rain again.
Candles lit.
Cozy.
Taste test kitchen reopened.
So many weeks of missing.
Kitchen is an old, odd friend.
Awkward movements.
Too much time away.
Brunch.
Popovers.
Learned the trick to success.
Amazing lovely pieces of culinary art.
Feeding the soul.
Feeding the girlfriend.
So, so special.
Interrogation questions ready.
Optimistic.
Enjoy this feeling until it’s gone.
Dear Diary:
It begins again.
First night.
Substitute.
Really?
Really.
Condescension.
Disagreement.
Really?
First project.
Here we go again.
What am I missing?
Dumb it down.
Permission one time.
Tell me how to think.
Can make a cheat sheet for the final.
Wonder if that’s a bad sign.
Wonder if I can get the whole book on one side of one page.
Got most of half the book on it.
Breach of class contract by professor.
Baby Jesus moment.
Full credit for all on demurrer.
Joy!
Take final.
Sketchy.
Cheat sheet.
Some help.
Then not so much.
Made to the end of this bad boy class.
Amazement for all.
Numb mind.
Relieved body.
Sleep
______________________________________
Wake up.
Feel fabulous with a touch of headache.
Weird dreams about old boyfriend.
Fun.
But odd.
Four assignments due tomorrow.
Should read instructions first.
Post note on computer to read instructions first in the future.
Hate details.
Wish I could just do all this shit my way.
My way is more fun.
Do it her way.
And I do.
Dear Diary:
Wake up.
Feel pretty good.
Figure out 96 hours until Monday night at 7:15.
Minus 24 hours for sleep and class.
72 hours.
More than enough.
Hours of research.
Good results.
Remember I have another class.
Do something to address that.
Friday night.
School books are my date.
Sleep.
_______________________________________
Dear Diary:
Wake up.
Lose an hour.
Need that hour.
Panicky
Have found no case law that works.
For anything.
Fight the legal search engine.
It spits out nothing.
Queen of the search engines falls off throne.
Call legal search engine for help.
Hot guys tries hard to help.
Finds only one case out of thousands?
Doesn’t help.
He tells me to move to another state.
Only CA and VI require demurrers.
Wonder if France requires them.
Put anything on paper.
Hope it fixes itself.
A hundred emails between classmates.
All in trouble.
Feel less alone.
Research anything and everything I can think of.
Still have two more assignments to do.
Have not started either.
Swallow breathing.
Haven't moved in hours.
Think about taking a walk.
Think about how much time that will waste.
Do some more.
Exhausted.
Think I need to sleep.
The baby Jesus shows up.
11:30 PM find case law.
Wish I had found it two days ago.
Redo a bunch of stuff.
Go to bed.
Lie in bed thinking.
Everything is due tomorrow night and I have nothing finished.
Force brain to shut off.
Sleep.
____________________________________
Dear Diary:
Slept an hour too long.
Only 13 hours before 7:15PM.
Caffeine.
Brain fog.
Reminded of how motivating fear can be.
Just do it.
Best proof reader/editor ever.
12:30PM finish first assignment.
Print.
An hour figuring out how to do next assignment.
Silently freaking out in my head.
Get it started.
Realize much is wrong.
Fix it.
Research.
Time is going by so fast.
Finish an hour earlier than expected.
Amazed.
It is done.
Really?
Print.
Did I really do this?
Feel tears coming.
There is no crying in paralegal school.
Go to school.
Look at classmates.
Shell shocked faces.
Misery loves company.
I love these people.
Really.
Think I have forgotten one assignment at home.
How can that be?
Quietly melt down.
Think it’s all over.
White hot heat crashes over brain.
Ask for help.
Someone who can read.
I have it.
Instant exhaustion.
Home.
Lap time for cat.
Have missed her.
Cat plays with her purple purse.
Secret behavior.
Allowed to watch.
Sweet, sweet, special reward.
Wine.
TV.
Sleep.
____________________________
Dear Diary:
Wake up,
Hours of glorious sleep.
Roll over.
One more hour.
No mainlining caffeine.
Everything is slower.
Mind is quiet.
Strange to not feel pressure.
Caffeine with jasmine.
Cat perched on leg.
Vanity Fair.
Heaven.
Feel tears coming.
The let down from so many days.
There is no crying in paralegal school.
Feel expansive love for everything.
So grateful.
Thursday night final exam.
Not counting hours.
I can do this.
_________________________________
Dear Diary:
5:30AM.
Awake.
Feel human.
10 hours of sleep.
Optimism returns.
Do laundry.
Watch the sky turn to day.
Caffeine with blooming jasmine.
Lap time for the cat.
Long hot shower.
Feel spoiled.
Reread demurrer assignment.
Have one good idea.
Need three more.
Too early to panic.
Three hours learning LEXIS.
Goldmine.
Print some good stuff.
Good day.
Sleep happy.
_________________________
Dear Diary,
Two happy days.
Have I lost that edge?
Work on fixing assignment for hand in tonight.
Become only mildly neurotic.
Only print 15 times.
Improvement.
Go to school.
Realize I might be in trouble with the invoice assignment.
Save that freak out for later.
Get next assignment.
Understand most of it.
Mind numbing.
Need to calculate how many hours before Monday night at 7:15PM.
Tomorrow.
Headache.
Need to sleep.
_____________________________
Dear Diary:
Wake up in the dark.
Still tired.
Look in mirror. Not good.
Hook up caffeine drip.
Walk past computer.
Swear.
Take caffeine outside to sit and look at pretty flowers in the garden.
Forget it’s dark.
Consume caffeine.
Wake up computer on the way to more caffeine.
First big decision: read daily blogs or not read daily blogs.
Read daily blogs.
Decide which of the 500 windows I have opened with things I thought I needed to know yesterday that I can close.
Close 2.
Start to feel smart.
Begin writing.
Start to feel dumb.
Have 5 minutes of utter brilliance.
Followed by what the hell am I supposed to be doing?
Refer to assignment instructions.
No longer understand English.
Write some more.
Wish the cat had a thumb and could cook and clean.
Read a million things online until I understand nothing.
Write some more.
Eat popcorn.
Go to bed.
___________________________
Dear Diary:
Dear God,
Please tell the baby Jesus to come help me. He has more help in his little finger than the entire internet.
Please tell him to get on it ASAP. Things are getting desperate around here.
Sincerely,
Me.
___________________________
Dear Diary:
Wake up.
Still tired.
Groundhog Day.
Need to remember elements.
I knew them yesterday and last semester.
I do not know them today.
Decide to look for the book.
No time.
Book is MIA under two discarded trees that are now all over the floor.
Decide to Google.
Love/hate relationship with Google.
Today it’s hate.
Find elements.
Print.
Kill a baby branch on the next tree.
Brain has gone into the stupid zone.
Continue to write.
Forget everything I knew an hour ago.
Hope tomorrow this all looks better than it does right now.
Pray the baby Jesus is on his way.
Write some more.
Go to sleep.
_____________________________
Dear Diary:
Wake up.
Still tired.
Can’t get out of bed.
Think about not ever in this life time being a paralegal.
Decide that’s the best idea of the day so far.
Get up.
Look in mirror.
Put on a hat.
Caffeine drip.
Wake up computer.
Try to remember when I loved my computer.
Decide that relationship can be salvaged later.
Don’t read blogs.
Check email instead.
Head implodes.
Classmate sent 5 emails asking for all the answers on the day this bitch is due.
Feel the need to send a soul crushing reply.
Write the reply in my head but don’t send.
Try to remember what I was thinking at 11:30 the night before.
Have no idea.
Write some more.
Think I’m finished.
Print final copy.
Mistakes.
Print 57 more final copies.
Over it.
Go to school.
Rid myself of that assignment.
Immediately realize all the things that are still wrong with it.
Try to get in touch with the baby Jesus.
Cry.
Go home.
Sleep.
_________________________
Dear Diary:
My professor says there are no fun jobs for a paralegal.
Reconsider the epic nightmare of my existence.
Maybe this will be a hobby.
I doubt it.
____________________________
Dear Diary:
Wake up.
Hell.
Headache.
So many f bombs the cat has left the building.
What was I doing yesterday?
I had a really good idea last night after I got into bed.
Was going to check it out this morning.
No idea what it was.
Brain is already failing.
Caffeine drip.
Wake up computer.
Freak out.
Updates have shut down the computer in the night.
Online forms are now all blank.
Try not to cry the ugly cry.
Reboot the brain.
Write some stuff.
I have no idea what it means.
Don’t understand English.
Sit in stunned silence.
Smell Spring.
Hear birds.
Ignore it.
Go to the store to buy 3 more tress I can kill.
Print.
Realize I cannot spell Plaintiff to save my ever loving life.
Cuss out online forms that don’t have spell check.
No time to fix it.
Go to school.
Do not hand in assignment early.
Do not get the extra 25 points.
Decide on the way home I will never ever be a paralegal.
Decide I am failing this class.
Decide I should have dropped this class.
Decide to move to Paris.
Feel better about all these decisions.
Treat myself to TV.
Fall asleep before the first commercial.
____________________________
Dear Diary:
Wake up.
Numb tired.
Wonder how long I can hold off coming undone.
Forgot to make the coffee last night.
Freak out.
Scare the cat.
Wonder what hurricane swept through my house.
Decide cleaning is more fun that faking brilliance.
Clean for 10 minutes.
Think about next assignment.
Look at next assignment.
Have no ideas.
Clean some more.
Wonder if I should be a maid instead.
Cry a lot in my head.
Caffeine with Facebook and Twitter.
Realize no one has said anything to me online in days.
Try not to hate.
Think about not starting the next assignment until the baby Jesus shows up.
Give myself three more hours to clean.
Start thinking going back to bed is a better idea.
Start thinking about all the recorded TV I have.
Starting worrying I will never get started today.
Wonder how Charlie Sheen is doing.
Wonder if the next three hours will be spent wondering and thinking about all kinds of stupid stuff.
Wonder where the baby Jesus is.
Decide free time is not good for me.
Start the next assignment.
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages
by Leo Buscalgia
Spring had passed. So had Summer. Freddie, the leaf, had grown large. His mid section was wide and strong, and his five extensions were firm and pointed. He had first appeared in Spring as a small sprout on a rather large branch near the top of a tall tree.
Freddie was surrounded by hundreds of other leaves just like himself, or so it seemed. Soon he discovered that no two leaves were alike, even though they were on the same tree. Alfred was the leaf next to him. Ben was the leaf on his right side, and Clare was the lovely leaf overhead. They had all grown up together. They had learned to dance in the Spring breezes, bask lazily in the Summer sun and wash off in the cooling rains.
But it was Daniel who was Freddie’s best friend. He was the largest leaf on the limb and seemed to have been there before anyone else. It appeared to Freddie that Daniel was also the wisest among them. It was Daniel who told them that they were part of a tree. It was Daniel who explained that they were growing in a public park. It was Daniel who told them that the tree had strong roots which were hidden in the ground below. He explained about the birds who came to sit on their branch and sing morning songs. He explained about the sun, the moon, the stars, and the seasons.
Freddie loved being a leaf. He loved his branch, his light leafy friends, his place high in the sky, the wind that jostled him about, the sun rays that warmed him, the moon that covered him with soft, white shadows. Summer had been especially nice. The long hot days felt good and the warm nights were peaceful and dreamy. There were many people in the park that Summer. They often came and sat under Freddie’s tree. Daniel told him that giving shade was part of his purpose.
“What’s a purpose?” Freddie had asked.
“A reason for being,” Daniel had answered. “To make things more pleasant for others is a reason for being. To make shade for old people who come to escape the heat of their homes is a reason for being. To provide a cool place for children to come and play. To fan with our leaves the picnickers who come to eat on checkered tablecloths. These are all the reasons for being.”
Freddie especially liked the old people. They sat so quietly on the cool grass and hardly ever moved. They talked in whispers of times past. The children were fun, too, even though they sometimes tore holes in the bark of the tree or carved their names into it. Still, it was fun to watch them move so fast and to laugh so much.
But Freddie’s Summer soon passed. It vanished on an October night. He had never felt it so cold. All the leaves shivered with the cold. They were coated with a thin layer of white which quickly melted and left them dew drenched and sparkling in the morning sun. Again, it was Daniel who explained that they had experienced their first frost, the sign that it was Fall and that Winter would come soon.
Almost at once, the whole tree, in fact, the whole park was transformed into a blaze of color. There was hardly a green leaf left. Alfred had turned a deep yellow. Ben had become a bright orange. Clare had become a blazing red, Daniel a deep purple and Freddie was red and gold and blue. How beautiful they all looked. Freddie and his friends had made their tree a rainbow.
“Why did we turn different colors,” Freddie asked, “when we are on the same tree?”
“Each of us is different. We have had different experiences. We have faced the sun differently. We have cast shade differently. Why should we not have different colors?” Daniel said matter-of-factly. Daniel told Freddie that this wonderful season was called Fall.
One day a very strange thing happened. The same breezes that, in the past, had made them dance began to push and pull at their stems, almost as if they were angry. This caused some of the leaves to be torn from their branches and swept up in the wind, tossed about and dropped softly to the ground. All the leaves became frightened.
“What’s happening?” they asked each other in whispers.
“It’s what happens in Fall,” Daniel told them. “It’s the time for leaves to change their home. Some people call it to die.”
“Will we all die?” Freddie asked.
“Yes,” Daniel answered. “Everything dies. No matter how big or small, how weak or strong. We first do our job. We experience the sun and the moon, the wind and the rain. We learn to dance and to laugh. Then we die.”
“I won’t die!” said Freddie with determination. “Will you, Daniel?”
“Yes,” answered Daniel, “when it’s my time.”
“When is that?” asked Freddie.
“No one knows for sure,” Daniel responded.
Freddie noticed that the other leaves continued to fall. He thought, “It must be their time.” He saw that some of the leaves lashed back at the wind before they fell, others simply let go and dropped quietly. Soon the tree was almost bare.
“I’m afraid to die,” Freddie told Daniel. “I don’t know what’s down there.”
“We all fear what we don’t know, Freddie. It’s natural,” Daniel reassured him. “Yet, you were not afraid when Summer became Fall. They were natural changes. Why should you be afraid of the season of death?”
“Does the tree die, too?” Freddie asked.
“Someday. But there is something stronger than the tree. It is Life. That lasts forever and we are all a part of Life.”
“Where will we go when we die?”
“No one knows for sure. That’s the great mystery!”
“Will we return in the Spring?”
“We may not, but Life will.”
“Then what has been the reason for all of this?” Freddie continued to question. “Why were we here at all if we only have to fall and die?”
Daniel answered in his matter-of-fact way, “It’s been about the sun and the moon. It’s been about happy times together. It’s been about the shade and the old people and the children. It’s been about colors in Fall. It’s been about seasons. Isn’t that enough?”
“That afternoon, in the golden light of dusk, Daniel let go. He fell effortlessly. He seemed to smile peacefully as he fell. “Goodbye for now, Freddie,” he said.
Then, Freddie was all alone, the only leaf on his branch. The first snow fell the following morning. It was soft, white, and gentle; but it was bitter cold. There was hardly any sun that day, and the day was very short. Freddie found himself losing his color, becoming brittle. It was constantly cold and the snow weighed heavily upon him.
At dawn the wind came that took Freddie from his branch. It didn’t hurt at all. He felt himself float quietly, gently and softly downward. As he fell, he saw the whole tree for the first time. How strong and firm it was! He was sure that it would live for a long time and he knew that he had been part of its life and made him proud.
Freddie landed on a clump of snow. It somehow felt soft and even warm. In this new position he was more comfortable than he had ever been. He closed his eyes and fell asleep. He did not know that Spring would follow Winter and that the snow would melt into water. He did not know that what appeared to be his useless dried self would join with the water and serve to make the tree stronger. Most of all, he did not know that there, asleep in the tree and the ground, were already plans for new leaves in the Spring.
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I am an |
